On more than one occasion, I’ve described how I feel about having escort “girlfriends” who may or may not have looked good…but were never my equal when it came to intelligence or general sanity. Or to be less euphemistic…they’ve pretty much all been stupid and fucked up emotionally.
As a result of my personal futility, I registered at a black dating site that was winking at me on a Yahoo sidebar and actually joined recently (so I could contact the girls) when they ran a fire sale and sent me a $24 offer for 6 months. I figured what the hell. Not that huge of a financial gamble!
Of course, I had to assume that most women would look at me and ask themselves “Did this cracker get lost or what?” But a few reasonably attractive women responded to my overtures and one whose profile stated that she had a PHD, took to me. First the woman noted “nice legs”…and then my writing skills and offbeat sense of humor really won the day.
From her pictures, the girl wasn’t the most beautiful creature God ever created. And in fact, I have a feeling that if she worked at Jewels (where I went in the room with most of the black girls), she’d have been one I passed up. But the woman writes so well…and is so intelligent…I couldn’t help but be seduced. Now when I say intelligent…I’m not talking smart enough to know where to place an apostrophe. I’m talking Yale undrgrad and Harvard law! And she also has a PHD in philosophy! Wow! Be careful what you wish for Dollar. If brains were tits, she’d have a natural 42GG!
Surprisingly, my perceived intellectual inferiority wasn’t a problem. I’ve accumulated a lot of knowledge in my 65 years and was bright enough to keep her interested. But there was a problem: Upon request, I forked over my real name (which is very unique so I’m easy to google) and the next day she blocked me! Bang! After endless emails, it was over. I had an idea why! That goll darn Google!
But it wasn’t over yet! Two weeks later she unblocked me and wrote back with a six word message: “You wrote about police and prostitutes!” (She found my two features in the Village Voice on that very subject.) My suspicions had been confirmed…but all’s well that ends well! She was back! I decided that slowly, I would acclimate her. And it was working pretty well. At a couple of junctures, she backed off and said we should only be pen pals because of my “occupation”…but soon changed her mind.
After voluminous emails back and forth, the “good doctor” gave me her number unsolicited and a 3 hour conversation ensued about everything meaningful. We were both smitten. On my part, it was like night and day. With all the old FWB’s, it was about meaningless banter until we got to the good part. But with Dr. Smarty Pants (as I called her), the verbal intercourse was sensational.
After the big convo, she wrote the next morning that she was off to run a 5 mile course in Central Park with a bunch of Harvard Law School alumni…and that she wanted me to meet a few intellectuals (though not that day). Wow! Talk about making the grade. She was gonna trot me out for a few of her Harvard buddies!
I wondered about introducing her to the hoochies at Jewels – and how that would go! (It wouldn’t. They’d see her as plain-looking and completely miss how intelligent she is.) On the other hand, I figure at least one of her colleagues would know who I am (I know a lot of lawyers visit escorts) and pull her aside to say “You’re dating Dollar Bill. Get the fuck outta here!”
To sum up to this point…I’d cleared the intellectual level…and the dog shit escort blogger canyon. I was good to go, right? Wrong! I forgot to mention that this woman is 32 years old! My profile stated that I’m 49. And when she asked how old I am, I figured 53 was a good lie…deciding that 20 years difference was about all she’d e able to handle. But twice as old? I wasn’t going there until I’d satisfied her in the rack at which point, I would break the bad news.
Knowing how bright this woman is, I googled myself two nights ago to see what she’d seen and discovered fairly quickly that there is only one person in New York with my name…and Google says that William is “65+.” Uh oh! Not good!
As if we were on the same wave length, I got the message the next morning: “Why didn’t you tell me your real age William? Perhaps that’s an easy question. Better- what do you do when people lie to you?” Oh shit! Busted!!
My response: Just last night I googled myself pretending to be you, knowing that whatever was there you’d find. And I discovered the 65 thing and thought to myself “Uh oh! THIS isn’t good.”
I lied to you because if I didn’t, I thought it would kill my chances at a romance. Plus…a lot of people take me for being in my 40’s or 50’s.
And so…yes, I turned 65 on 4/19. I now ride the bus and subway half price. (I actually have my official half fare senior Metrocard.)
I infer from your new photo that the search has resumed. I can’t blame you. You’re just beginning in life – while I’m (except for my blog) essentially retired.
Nothing else I told you was untrue. I just couldn’t face the age thing yet. Up until right now, I was good with being 65. Now I hate it! Darn Google!
But before I go…I have to tell you that I’ve never been so seduced by a woman’s intelligence. My social set (if you want to call it that) is filled with dumbbells and losers. You’re a winner. The only thing that seems to be missing in your life is the right man. I trust you’re going to find that guy and I hope you do. If I were 15 years younger, I might have been that guy. May your life have fewer disappointments than mine has.
Now I thought that was a mature response. The ball was in her court. She could forgive me or not. Here’s what she texted back:
You were going to keep lying as long as it suited you. To someone who would have probably loved you in the long run. That’s unforgivable, really. Yikes! She was getting ready to love me?!?!
Well anyway…to wrap this long and boring mother fucker up…how do I feel about all this? Mostly good, actually. I made the grade intellectually with a world class brainiac…and I didn’t have to clear my own personal hurdle with her: Would I be able to get a boner for a girl who doesn’t look as good as say…the hood rats at Jewels?
I think the essence of the situation is that I’m just too old and scarred to get my heart broken anymore. Maybe when I was 25 this episode might have affected me adversely. But to tell the truth, I didn’t lose one second of sleep. I might toss and turn because it’s hot…or my fucking back hurts. But not about Dr. Smarty Pants. You never know. She may come back. But if she doesn’t, I’ll be just fine…or as fine as I was before this entire flirtation. I’d love to publish the woman’s picture but it wouldn’t be right…and it could mean a lawsuit. Back to the title…that goll darn Google! It’ll get you every time.
OK! Moving on to what matters…current events in the K-world! MIMI, previously of VIP ASIAN has now moved to ROSE HOUSE (347-624-3305). I omit the link because her pix aren’t up yet but responsible guy that I am…I have her pic on file. And uptown about 20 blocks…DREAM GIRL (646-276-0229) has a new “entertainer” named ANNA. Ok, guys. Let’s give them a standing O!