article-2607519-1D2DB65F00000578-708_634x416You probably think this is going to be yet another entry about escorts and their boyfriends (snore). And you’re right. It is…but with a new wrinkle.

Not every escort hooks up with a rapper, thug, or sugar daddy CEO type. There are a few who buck that stereotype to go off on their own…and end up with professionals who jeopardize that profession by being with a pay-for-play head-turner. Yup, you got it. Lawyers and policemen better halves are not that uncommon among the escort rank and file. Lawyers are a subject for another day. And so we turn to policemen and their predilection for escorts (and vice versa as well). Continue Reading

DSC_7631-580x386Those familiar with this blog are aware that I’m a reasonably big fan of country music. Or at least the minority of country music I find humorous, touching and inventive – as opposed to the majority which I judge as crassly commercial crap. And I’m aware that country music’s naysayers cite that the genre is junk with common themes along the lines of drinking, cheating, prison and mama…and thus unworthy. C & W rarely gets controversial or risque.

Enter SCUZZ TWITTLY, an artist I discovered somehow (I can’t remember) while cruising YOU TUBE. Novelty records and their producers have always been a minor force in pop music. And this guy has a well-produced video and another hit (PBR – with 5 million views) that have apparently made him mainstream. When you view the following video, you might be surprised at country music’s newest novelty act.

A lot of you will find it hilarious. Personally, I think it’s obvious and only somewhat entertaining. But I’m at once amazed that this video made it to You Tube…and that it has half a million hits. You be the judge. Here we go with Scuzz Twittly’s GAG REFLEX. Enjoy!

FISHINGI’ve written about this before. Ya know…like when a woman is complimenting you but somehow, it comes out all wrong. Well, it’s been a while but once again, it happened to me last night.

Regardless of from what walk of life she comes (as in escorts feel it, too), many women harbor a maternal instinct. If I didn’t know before, I found this out years ago when one of my FWB’s asked me if I wanted to go halvsies on a baby. She wasn’t in love with me…that was for sure. But she liked me and apparently, thought my genes were worthy. Continue Reading

stock-photo-young-woman-making-a-goofy-face-squinting-and-puffing-out-her-cheeks-in-exasperation-as-she-stands-377318728Ask any incall owner “what’s the worst part of your gig?”…and he or she will inevitably answer …”dealing with irresponsible girls.” Apparently, it’s a nightmare which haunts everybody who decides to open one of these places. With Asian establishments, it’s not quite as bad. Not that the girls are any more prone to show on time (or at all)…but at least once they’re there, they’re there for the duration (like a week). That’s the way Asians work. The ladies stay on premises for a week at a time unless said girl is an A-lister with a boyfriend at home. Then she gets to commute back and forth on a daily basis. But that’s the exception – and not the rule. American places on the other hand – are different. The employees come and go every day. And with some bigger houses, they actually run two shifts – which only serves to compound the problem. Continue Reading

urlIt happened one night as the dispatcher at Emperors Club VIP was on the phone with one of the girls when the latter asked of the former “who am I?”

Escorts are famous for living in the moment. Considering the present, future and especially past is not in their repertoire. Introspection isn’t their game. So what had caused this one girl to ask the age old question. Had she suddenly experienced an existential moment in which she finally faced all those out-of-body experiences she suffered every time the woman gave herself to a stranger? Was this the eureka moment when she woke up and said to herself “no more! I can’t do this!” Continue Reading

400_F_12368145_imA8FAoiBViVHIU4XBIxlxnXqF15m7jLOf all the bull shit euphemisms in the escort business (ya know…like monger, provider, client, companion and and on and on, I have to hand the gold medal to one I heard from an old acquaintance a couple of days ago. Asked what she does for a living by a guy who picked her up in the supermarket, she responded “I’m a caretaker” and then added “and a designated shopper.” Wow! Talk about creative! Gotta hand it to the girl.

She went on to say that the would-be lover took her out to lunch and when asked why he was acting nervous, confided that he was married and hadn’t had sex for 7 years! If that’s not a testimonial to the virtues of bachelorhood, I don’t what is! Continue Reading

imagesSome guys have all the luck…and then some guys don’t. When it comes to being a collector, experience has taught me that I clearly don’t.

So I was sitting down to lunch with the volunteers at St. Joe’s when Bud began to relate a story from his youth. As usual, it was boring. And as I tried to pay attention, my mind wandered to a time in my youth which led to today’s equally boring entry. Humor me for a minute. Continue Reading

imagesJORDAN BELFORT, the real wolf of Wall Street, is not really a guy with whom I have a lot in common. He was a thief…I’m not. He was a stock stein. Despite my mother’s pleadings, I refused to submit. He went to prison. So far so good for me! But as I read his second book (because I so loved the first…he’s actually an excellent writer), I found an area in which I could relate.

Jordan started dating what he called the Self Proclaimed Jewish Blow Job Queen. Essentially, she was nothing but her title. For a moment, he was under her spell until one day (or morning), Jordan awakened to see her at a bad angle. The luster had worn off. It was time to move on.

I myself had a similar “friend.” While reading his narrative, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh along or shiver in dread at just how awful one in particular really was as a person…and just how low I’d sunk to even submit to her seductions. I didn’t find her to be attractive physically or personally in the least. Yet, the blow jobs went on. What does that say about me? Nothing good, I’ll tell you that! Continue Reading

TTP logo and nameRunning yesterday’s repeat, I was reminded of yet another lady worthy of a “legends” entry. So let’s turn the page to the next chapter and meet another blast from the past!

Her name was PAIGE and just looking at her, you wouldn’t know or even think she was endowed with a depth few women could equal. Paige was what I’d call a player/coach type. One day she’d answer the phones…and the next you’d find her working in the room. Having a good voice and a reasonably quick mind made her perfect for the phones. And though her thin, spinner body wasn’t necessarily for guys who like abundant t and a…I personally found her worthy. With enough black blood to give her caramel-colored skin and a small but perfectly round booty, she did the trick as far as I and many paying customers were concerned. Continue Reading

Social-WorkerI was watching “Good Times” the other day…an episode during which Michael and Penny go to jail…and Penny (played by Janet Jackson…one of the worst actresses ever) asks a street hooker what she’s “in for.” The flatbacker answers “I do social work,”…leading to many guffaws from the studio audience. Now this is funny on one level…but so completely true on another.

And it made me harken back to a moment several years ago when I listened to a phone girl dealing with what was obviously an asshole customer on the line. So bellicose was he that I could literally hear what he was saying as Paige patiently dealt with the psychopath. When the conversation was finally over, she turned to me and explained why she even stayed on the phone with the knucklehead: Continue Reading

I have a revelation for y’all today: My best escort friend is a size queen. Surprise, surprise! But just because the girl is of that mind doesn’t mean she’s one of those “I want the world’s biggest and I won’t quit till I find it” girls. Size is important to her…but there is such a thing as “too big.” 

For every few stories she relates about guys with nothing between their legs, she’ll have one or two about the opposite…guys who are just too big for what she views as her Royal Tightness. Regardless, no story about a prospective suitor goes untold without her detailing the man’s endowment. In her particular case, there seems to be no happy medium. It’s feast or famine – or “all or nothing at all.” What are ya gonna do? Probably punishment for being so shallow.

I myself am not a huge size queen. In my case, that means my obsession doesn’t lie with breast or booty size. And that’s a good thing for my aforementioned friend. While her booty is sizable (at least for a caucasian), her breasts would be the stuff of derision were the shoe on the other foot. I’ve always found that curious. Ya know…girls who get all judgmental about guys’ units when they themselves were as shortchanged as the men they seemingly live to make fun of.

Anyway…all this girl’s stories (they’re abundant and forthcoming at virtually any time as she has no filter) got me to thinking about the sexual aptitudes and performances of past partners as related to the size of their breasts – which I judge to be more or less the mirror image of what a guy has in his pants. And guess what! To the best of my recollection, the relationship is inverse! 

Just for example, I’ve had a grand total of two groupies who found my blog and wanted to sleep with me based on its editorial content. One was reasonably busty – though not anomalous. And the other was anomalous. She was just plain huge. Both were without partners in life – and both just not happening between the sheets….which is probably why neither had a partner! 

More anecdotal evidence: Many years ago, I knew a girl with a giant chest – and a hearty laugh for my irreverent observations. I managed to seduce her one night and I don’t have to tell you the rest. Another superbusty girl alone in the world – and for good reason. Once again…zero in the clinches.

I’m sure I could give you numerous examples of much less endowed women who blew me away in bed. But why bother? I think I’ve already made the point. People obsessed with size are missing the bigger picture. And that is that their obsession could be getting in the way of their enjoyment. Let’s say I were the type of guy who ruled out all prospective girlfriends who weren’t extremely busty. What would I get? A bunch of ex-girlfriends who fell short of my expectations sexually – if experience is any indication. And who would I be hurting? Myself! That’s who(m)!

Now I can’t tell you the difference between how a big one feels entering one of my orifices versus a small one – because I’m not a woman – nor gay. But it just seems that the “bigger they are” meaning the bigger the size queen they are – the less fulfilled they’ll be for their harsh judgement. 

So if there are any girls out there who think I’m kind of interesting…but are afraid they might not measure up if we were to meet? Get over it because by me…the bigger they are…the worse they ball. Plus…at this point in my life, it’s not like I don’t know what a big pair of tits feel like. So what’s the big deal?

Cecil_Suwal_Mark_Brener_2Years ago among the many customers to whom I sold escort advertising, was an outfit called EMPERORS CLUB VIP. A big fish they were not! After doing a quick photo shoot and selling them a couple of Eros ads they’d requested, I dodged their phone calls. The owners were cheap. And when they wanted a non-commissionable Eros help wanted ad, I gave them up to another rep at Somad…something I didn’t often do. It wasn’t that I disliked Mark. He just wanted advice more than ads and clearly wasn’t worth the time. A few years later when I heard he was at the center of the ELIOT SPITZER scandal, I found it hard to believe. Why would the governor deal with such a low rent agency? Continue Reading

article-1205636-0605080D000005DC-988_468x325An interesting question for today: Do escorts snore more than “regular” women? In my opinion, the answer is yes. But honestly, I don’t think I have a statistically significant sampling as I so rarely actually sleep with the women I “sleep” with – if you get my drift.

I pose this question today because the bubble has burst with a certain friend. She flew into town last night and stayed over! And this morning I awakened to some sort of hybrid snore/apnea sounds. Not that it was terrible…but noteworthy as she had been a silent sleeper up until this morning. I thought she was the exception. Continue Reading

princeton-universityDavey was a lowlife scum bag. Of that there was never any doubt. A fat, illiterate, chain-smoking, goateed Italian from Pelham Parkway, Davey was a dog shit shil Belmont when I used to back up the act on bass. It wasn’t that I disliked him (except that he was constantly blowing smoke up my ass in an enclosed environment). It was just that he was so decidedly clueless and low class…that he was difficult to be around for extended periods of time.

Whacking away on the oldies circuit could bring a hapless band member anywhere – to play for almost any function. Once we flew into Buffalo for a one-afternooner which turned out to be a Police Benevolent Association function held in a high school auditorium. Another time we drove to Bangor, Maine to play two nights at a Holiday Inn. Not even in a lounge…but in a corporate meeting area usually reserved for conventioneers. You get the idea. Continue Reading

red-rose-pics-22Thrust deep into the Big Apple’s nether regions the moment I was hired by Action Magazine, garden tools of all sexual orientations, nationalities and genders greeted me with more or less open arms. After all, I was the new Action man, and at the time, Action was the second best place for an escort to advertise.

Along with a gaggle of trannies and Queens Colombians I was conscripted to chase, was what my boss’s old partner called “The Million Brazilian Cotillion,” a division of mostly middle-aged and lumpy ladies very few of which appealed to me in any sort of carnal way. In fact, I was surprised they could even make a living in the field. Continue Reading

582_large_imageIn the old days of pornography, the producers of the gash got their background music in one of two ways. They either stole it outright…or hired guys on the cheap to make music for the films or license them pre-made for legal use. I remember speaking to a pornographer to see if I could score a few bucks by letting him use some instrumental tracks. I made the mistake of calling his productions dirty movies. He corrected me: “I make tasteful x-rated films.” Whatever, dude! Nothing came of it. Continue Reading

gossipFinally after almost two months of being relatively in the dark, I ran into one of my phone girl buddies on 32nd Street and got some serious 411 on April’s drama. She’s been in direct contact with at least two of the “room” girls and one phone girl who were caught up in the federal tidal wave as it happened.

According to my source (and as was in evidence on the Korean news network), several federal officers descended on each location to fingerprint, photograph, interview and essentially, scare the crap out of the girls before letting them go. Continue Reading

So the next book I’ve checked out from the NYPL in my constant thirst for knowledge is titled “A History of New York.” And it only took 40 pages of reading before I got a sneak peak at the pay for play trade’s MO back in 1796! Yeah, I know! The world’s oldest profession. Somehow, I have a feeling that it just might predate even that far ago date! Anyway…where do you think NY’s babes displayed their wares back when almost all of inhabited New York existed below what is now Houston Street? Dig the following passage from this book referring back over 200 years: Continue Reading

Charles Darwin in 1881When you cut through all the intellectual “who am I and why am I here” bull shit with which “smarts” entertain their minds, the bottom line is this: Like every other living thing on planet earth, we’re here to procreate the species first and foremost. Just ask Darwin. He’d tell you!

For a significant portion of the male population, we don’t just want to get it on…we want to get it on with a woman who we find attractive. And more often than not, the exterior is what attracts us. It would be excellent if we found ugly women with great minds worthy. But alas, that is not always the case. Show the average guy a beautiful bimbo versus a funny, smart but not-so-attractive frump…and the majority of the time, he’ll go for the former. It’s just a reality few would argue. Continue Reading

edb352448be541ad_Blues_Guitar_Neon_SignThere’s something very bluesy about being an escort. I mean…even if a girl is living the good life…it’s still a rock bottom deal. I know…figuratively speaking, we all bend over for the almighty buck. It’s part of living in a capitalist society. But the girls? They bend over literally. There’s a difference.

You would think that there might be a few escorts who could express their angst artistically. But in my world, there are none. The Asians buy Gucci bags to exorcise their demons. And the hoochies twerk it out! So where are the girls who sing (or write) the blues? Few and far between. And none I’ve ever met on my beat.

Whatever…I offer my all time favorite song on the subject for the enlightenment of not just the girls – but the guys, too…’cause you know…whether provider or consumer…something in life which led you to this state of affairs screams the blues.

71KaMjS29zL._SY445_A schmuck and his hard on. How many times can I comment on the same sad state of affairs? So I’ll try not to and make my observations in other areas. First and foremost, I was really surprised at what a responsible, thorough and enlightening piece of documentary movie-making CLIENT 9 truly is. It should be required viewing for everybody who’s ever paid an escort for her time. And really…pretty much anybody who’s ever voted in an election as well. Watching this movie and THE BIG SHORT on consecutive days has really given me pause.

So what can the viewer learn from viewing Client 9? Mostly, just how crooked Wall Street is. Not that I didn’t know before, mind you. But getting into the nuts and bolts of Eliot Spitzer’s prosecutions served to further illuminate the disgusting situation. To think that mom always wanted me to be a Wall Streeter. Shame on her. What a cesspool. Continue Reading

imagesAn old friend came back to NY recently and gave me a call requesting that I come visit her. So I hopped the bike (which by the way is taking a beating from all the fucking salt on the roads) and pedaled to the Upper East Side to check her out. She’s pretty much the same old battle axe from yesteryear…but we have history and more or less enjoyed ourselves reminiscing about old times.

There was no financial or carnal agenda but oddly, there was a payoff. She became my muse for today’s entry. Scaling no fewer than 54 steps to ascend to her 5th floor walkup, I realized I’d never written about escorts who live in walkup apartments. Continue Reading

nyplLogoIf like DONALD TRUMP (and me) you don’t feel like you’re getting that much bang for your tax buck, I have a suggestion. Make use of the New York Public Library.

For years, I was one of those people who never went to the library. I barely even knew it was there though I walked by my local branch a thousand times. Then one day a neighbor lent me a DVD of a movie she’d checked out from the NYPL free-of-charge, adding that there were racks and racks of similar offerings just a couple of hundred yards away from our front door. Continue Reading

craigslist-logo copyIn a post from a few days ago, I mentioned how different advertising media brought different types of customers to the people who paid me to help them design their ad campaigns. While to some it might seem like polishing a turd when it comes to thinking that running an escort marketing scheme requires any kind of strategy…trust me, it’s not a lot different from promoting Coca Cola. But today’s agenda is not to blow my own horn or legitimize any of my personal pursuits. It’s about a notorious website called CRAIGSLIST. Continue Reading

free-ecards-Tongue_&_Cheek_(Our_Fav.)-Scared_Slag-673Picking up a girl on the streets of New York isn’t the easiest thing to do. Women in the big city are paranoid and so on-guard, only the perfect line could possibly disarm them enough to where they might respond positively to a come-on. Well…my buddy Charles was walking down the street aimlessly a couple of days ago when he found himself two steps behind a hot girl wearing a fabulous outfit. And as he passed her by on the right, James complimented her on the fetching ensemble. Continue Reading

742-columbia-blog-post-image-20160420114651The following is one of the very first entries included on this web site. Thus, it dates back to 2008. Massage parlor economics today is not exactly the same as it was back then as business was much more profitable 5 years ago. While 40 customers per day was common back then…it is rare at this point in time. These places simply don’t make money like they used to. Regardless, how the places are run and their business model remains the same and is one worth noting. Continue Reading

grammar_crackers_largeThe great majority of escorts I know do not speak English as their first language. And even if they do, they don’t speak it very well. Whatever…as a guy who studies proper usage, spelling, syntax etc., I’m often amused at the fractured English I hear from my customers. After all…most have picked up the language through conversing with English-speaking people rather than actually going to school. And thus, they don’t know about conjugating verbs, placing modifiers and stuff like that. The girls simply hope to understand – and make themselves understood. And that makes perfect sense to me. But sometimes it yields hilarious results. Continue Reading

do-not-be-afraid-to-speak-your-mind-quote-1This morning I awakened very early (I went to sleep at 9:30 PM last night after getting up at 5 AM the same day) to find a long and detailed e-mail from a reader seeking my advice. He’d experienced what might have been his worst session ever and wanted to know what I would have done in his shoes.

The nuts and bolts of his complaints aren’t worth enumerating…but there is a general theme here I’d like to impart. Review sites like TER, GFE Club, Best GFE and others are a sort of Better Business Bureau of the escort world. And thus, it’s almost your duty to complain about a girl who does a really bad job so that she can’t do it to the next guy for information is power in our world whether it be in the mainstream or fringes of current society. Continue Reading

carol5Once upon a time…like when I was in my teens and early 20’s…it was all about the breasts with me, my crew, and society as a whole…when I think about it. Nobody thought about booties! Beyonce hadn’t even coined the term “bootylicious” and strippers didn’t booty-shake, booty-pop or twerk.

Now twerking is not something that every girl can do. Mostly, it’s black or latina chicks who can twerk…and maybe an occasional PAWG (acronym for a phat ass white girl) and a very occasional Asian. And if you go in the room with a girl who can twerk, it’s almost a given that she wants to be spanked in acknowledgment of her delicious endowment. Spanking used to be kinky but now, it’s almost like kissing…ya know…an accepted mainstream activity. Continue Reading

how-was-your-week-300x182The most over-asked question with the Saturday University Soup Kitchen crew has to be “how was your week?” I hesitate to even respond. What should I say? “Still reeling from the feds busting over half of my escort blog?” Would that work with the vanilla set? Or without revealing too much…but still being informative…I could say “ask someone who gets up and commutes to a job. I’m not the guy to whom you need to pose that question.” Continue Reading

article-arrest-1-0525It seems like just yesterday an ex-NYPD officer was busted for allegedly running an escort service. And now there’s yet another individual accused of the same offense.

First it was EDUARDO CONEJO back in February. And just two days ago, officer MICHAEL RIZZI endured the same humiliation. I pose the question “what the fuck is it about cops that we’re constantly hearing tales of graft, corruption, thievery and common law-breaking in the rank and file?” Continue Reading

saks-fifth-avenue_couponsLong ago when I sold ads for almost every media outlet which offered adult advertising, I would take the time to enlighten my customers as to which vehicle attracted whom and what. Just for example, I might offer the Voice as an option with the following warning: “Your phone will ring like crazy with everybody from the guy who makes your sandwich at Subway to an Academy Award winner. Your batting average will be low…and you’d better set your price competitively. But you’ll make money.” Continue Reading

041b69add5ff4142bd6f5642412d381cAsk yourself this: How much time would you expect to serve behind bars if a woman you were trying to seduce called the authorities accusing you of sexual assault…and then the police, upon serving a warrant, found xanax, methamphetamine, 5 ounces of weed one of which was packaged in small amounts (the other 4 in a big baggie), and several unlicensed guns in your apartment? Five years? Ten years? Well if you’re AUSTIN RUSSELL aka CHUMLEE from PAWN STARS, the History Channel’s #1 rated show, you’d get probation and no time in prison! Pretty sweet deal I’d say! Continue Reading

It’s late and who wants to leave the house or wait for a girl to arrive when video chat with this and many other girls is just a few seconds away? Check it out! And every time you hit the refresh button, you’ll see a different girl. Or click the girl’s pic and the sound comes on.


 

A NEW DAY

800px-independencetownsignI can’t say yet that it’s a trend…but it certainly would make sense if it were. You’ll notice that there are three new independently-operating girls on the blog today. Is it a coincidence? I don’t know but I’ll tell y’all, I’m happy that they called. It’s been a rough patch for the past 6 weeks. First, I got a wave of new advertisers and then BAM!  Hardcore!

There’s one area in which I can actually sympathize with the government. Often, Korean women come into the US on students visas. And the schools in which the objects of our obsession have matriculated to get that visa turned out to be shell operations – and barely schools at all! That’s not so good. Continue Reading

s-l300My Aunt Carol was a remarkable woman. Among many good qualities (one of which was a vast knowledge about all things academic even though she never attended college) was her unique ability to remain young mentally. While my mother rarely related to me on matters of youth, Aunt Carol always seemed to understand. This I have apparently inherited (must have come from grandma because it didn’t come from mom).

The other day I was in the company of a 20 something professional (not a professional who wore a pant suit – if you get my drift). Somehow, the subject of my age came up at which time she didn’t have the typical reaction (which is generally “no way” because I don’t look like a geezer). Rather, there was no alarm on her face but instead, the verbal reaction “you’ll never be old because of the way you carry yourself.”  Continue Reading

karma-quotationI’m on the pantry line at the University Soup Kitchen…or serving a bowl of soup, a cup of coffee and two slices of bread to a “guest” at St. Joe’s. The man in front of me is 103 years old if he’s a day. With cane in hand, he struggles forward to meet up with yours truly.

“What’s up, youngblood? You got your ID,” I ask. “I don’t serve anybody under 18.” A huge smile flashes over the man’s face as he points his finger at me and says “you made my day, brother.” That was my intention. I’ve used this line a few times in the past and it usually does that…makes the recipient’s day. Will I ever be rewarded for my good will? Or is the smile on his face reward enough for me? Hard to say…but check this out! Continue Reading

blog-share-ndWhen I look back at my work life, I realize it can be separated into three distinct phases. First was the music phase…then the cab phase…and finally, the adult ad phase. I can’t say I had a writing phase because I wrote throughout (be it prose or songs)…just in case anybody was wondering.

The taxi phase didn’t simply involve driving for dollars exclusively. I also penned a slice of life column for the taxi paper and sold ads for it as well on the days I didn’t drive (which were numerous. I generally drove three 12 – 18 hour shifts every week which left time for the paper). Continue Reading

lets talk about periods the student's lifestyleLast night as I was watching a special on the history of brothels featured by the AMERICAN HEROES CHANNEL, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of revulsion as the narrater continued to use the word “prostitute” over and over again. “Can we use the term ‘sex worker’?” I thought to myself. “It seems so much more appropriate and accurate.”

The first time I ever heard the expression “sex worker” it came out of the mouth of a Village Voice editor. She was assigned the job of cleaning up my wild prose and proposed using the term instead of another in my article. At the time, I thought it was a weak/tepid description I didn’t want to be anywhere near. Regardless, it went in. Editors have that power. Back then it felt sissified. Now it feels enlightened. Continue Reading