The tale begins when a new kid moved into the neighborhood. His name was Tommy, a smart 3rd grader who I befriended the first day of school because he could name the 13 colonies. I was impressed. Anyway…Tommy and I used to hang out after school and one day, I met his brother Matt, who was the sadistic bully of all time. I was horrified at how he tortured his brother…my friend…and was totally thankful that my big brother didn’t dish out the kind of humiliation that Matt imposed upon Tommy! Continue Reading
After finishing a long and sometimes overly-gory book about WWII aerial combat, I switched gears and picked up some light reading in the form of a just-published KUNAL NAYAR (he plays Raj in The Big Bang Theory) confessional as a change of pace.
In chapter one, Kunal reveals that back in India at age 12, he got a mad crush on Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years and then 20 years later found himself playing opposite her on Big Bang…with a kissing scene to boot. Kunal was so dazzled it was all he could do to not gush and totally embarrass himself. In the end, he actually managed to charm Danica (the actress’s name) with the revelation that she’d been his boyhood crush. In conclusion, Kunal mentioned something about life going full circle…referring to his fascination and subsequent blissful closure with the 6 long kisses required to get the take. Continue Reading
It’s late and who wants to leave the house or wait for a girl to arrive when video chat with this and many other girls is just a few seconds away? Check it out! And every time you hit the refresh button, you’ll see a different girl. Or click the girl’s pic and the sound comes on.
In the beginning, I uploaded K-pop videos to this blog so guys could learn a little about Korean pop culture with the result that (hopefully) both girls and guys would benefit. But a funny thing happened in the process. I discovered a new musical genre which often exceeds its American counterpart in artistry. And so…bear with me today. Every so often I check out this week’s K-pop top 50 and post the best of the best.
The first video comes from a single artist named JESSI. The song is good for what it is (monotone rap) and the videography is first rate as per usual with K-pop. Jessi, clearly the K-pop answer to NICK MINAJ, is pretty frickin’ hot! She’s a cross between East Village squatter and uptown thug life…Korean style. Dig it! The visuals definitely work for me.
Hiking through the woods all alone with precious few other hikers on the trail definitely has its upside – especially when you live in a bustling metropolis which holds very little mystique for a guy like me. But there is a downside. Ya know…like you’re all alone in the woods? And you don’t have a gun to protect yourself? Not from muggers, mind you…but wild animals.
A few years ago while hiking the Tanbark Trail (which is a very off-the-beaten path type of deal), I actually ran into a bear. He wasn’t very big (about the size of a German Shepherd) but still…it was a wild bear only 30 feet away! I didn’t shit my pants…but I’d be lying if I said I was comfortable for the rest of the hike. Continue Reading
I’ve just finished reading a book about love in the time of algorithms (the actual title), and as an active member of Black People Meet (haha…I know), I was initially driven to share my own limited anecdotes on the subject of Internet dating until I came to realize that while the author mentioned eharmony, Match, Lavalife, Sugar Daddy sites and even organizations which sponsor mail order bride type functions in Russia and Colombia, he never broaches the pay for play sites which abound all over the World Wide Web. And so here’s my point: Continue Reading
Here’s a beaut more relevant today than it was when I wrote it. Being ahead of the curve has rarely been my MO. But apparently it was the day I pursued the good fight of transgendered rights some 15 years ago.
Only on very rare occasions do I have the opportunity to participate in what would have been a landmark “Stonewall style” protest to forge new ground in the fight for equal human rights. In this instance, I was poised to champion the cause of transgendered liberties (of all things) on behalf of a client who had inadvertently been denied those rights by a big corporation. And the story goes like this: Continue Reading
Anybody notice how boring this blog and its author have become of late? I know I have. As the idle retiree I’ve become, it’s only on rare occasions that I have something to say. So henceforth, I’m going to implement a new policy…which is to post stuff from years ago (even more than I did before)…ya know, when I wasn’t so boring. Here’s a good one (or at least I like it).
If it’s Sunday it’s tranny day. Well…not really. I don’t have a lot of she male clients at this point so yesterday was an exception of sorts. Crossing 43rd St. on the bike to go pick up some tranny money, I check out a hot chick with a big chest and round booty only to realize (too late) oops! It’s a tranny. So I divert my gaze as I ride by but less than a second later I hear the old “Billy Bob!” And I can tell whoever it is is excited to see me. Continue Reading
I talk about my volunteer experiences (describing them in detail) probably too often on this blog. But it’s never occurred to me to video those experiences. Enter a girl I assigned the task of tray cleaner/carrier last week. She’s an aspiring videographer with a channel on you Tube who surreptitiously (at least I wasn’t aware) taped the deal for posterity.
You’re gonna have to figure out who I am (not that difficult). I look very old…which is why her friend Eileen (the cute Asian girl who would date me if only I were 30 years younger), calls me Uncle Billy (drat).
Regardless, you’ll get the idea that volunteers are quality people. You might not find them if you work on Wall Street…or at a hoochie mama American whore house! But you will find them at the University Soup Kitchen every Saturday. And by the way…the girl who made this video (and appears first) is one of those quality people.
Being a spectator at a sporting event rather than a participant is a curious phenomenon for sure. It’s almost like living to watch pornography rather than actually having sex. And how lame do you have to be to do that?
Well obviously…all the world is lame if the number of porn and sports watchers is any evidence. For every person who doesn’t watch sporting events or porn, there are a thousand who do! All of which brings us to football. In truth, it could bring us to basketball, hockey, baseball and track and field as well. But those wouldn’t work with the following video I submit from the cathedral of You Tube.
Right here is your quintessential voyeur in his purest form. He watches everything. But when it comes to participation? He’d be better off leaving well enough alone.
Down at the factory (which at this point is St. Bart’s church and not some you-know-what), I finally met the boss the other day. Being a clueless Jewish guy, I have no idea whether he’s a priest…or a pastor…or a reverend…or a deacon…or whatever.
Thinking I’m a volunteer in earnest, he was anxious to get to know me but seemed a tad taken-aback to discover that I’m Jewish. Sensing the moment, I offered that volunteerism is a non-sectarian activity fit for religious zealots, agnostics and atheists alike…that we all march to the beat of our own drummers…and finally, that the spirit of giving trumps all. Continue Reading
It’s a funny thing I never thought about before until tonight when I placed the book I’m reading face down and opened-up to where I’d left off…directly on top of another I’d started today – both on the left side of my bed. Directly next to those two opened-up/face down books lay two more which the last time I checked equals four books lying in wait of my intellectual mind’s thorough digestion. Continue Reading
Once upon a time I thought that Screw Magazine was the grossest, filthiest most disgusting publication ever! And I’m sure there weren’t a lot of people who disagreed with me. But then one day I discovered somebody so foul…so repulsive and so odious, that even Screw could not stomach publishing a piece of his submission. And that somebody was me! Check it out: Continue Reading
I’m a fan of those crazy Travel Channel food shows…ya know…where these knuckleheads go to the far corners of the world and eat some of the most God-awful shit you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to consume. There’s a gay chef on one of the those shows who somehow appears to enjoy the taste of this crap. Who the fuck is he kidding? Continue Reading
Of the many grim realities that face an escort service owner, girls who steal clients rates high on his or her list of pet peeves. The hustle goes like this: Predictably, the employees like some clients more than others. And if a cute guy appeals to one of the ladies, it comes as no surprise that more than a few escorts will exchange numbers with a client to see him on the outside – a deal which works for both parties. Continue Reading
Those of the hippy era remember the slogan “tune in…turn on…drop out.” Its semantics weren’t all that esoteric. It meant pay attention to the new movement…get high…and join the counterculture. Anyway…after receiving an email from an old acquaintance, I began to ponder the semantics of the expression “turn on” versus “turn out”…but in the escort context. Continue Reading
To honor post #2000 on this blog (a milestone I reached yesterday), I’ve decided to dial back the time machine and repeat the very first…an entry that reads more like a mission statement than anything else. I love the part about “in time, there will probably be ads to generate a few bucks.” I guess I’ve come a long way…but it doesn’t really feel that way. Nobody’s tying up my phone line looking to advertise or better…to barter for a picture on the sidebar! Regardless, here it is…post #1.
There’s nothing quite the equal of starting a new creative project! It’s almost like being a virgin all over again. Well…it’s a little late for that – or maybe it isn’t? Don’t we all deserve a second chance? Whatever, let me introduce myself. Without getting overly-indulgent, I’ll trim the autobiography to these few words: Via my employment as an adult advertising rep, I am privy to all sorts of insider information about the bodyworkers whose affection many of us seek.
So what’s an “adult advertising rep?” Somehow…some way (actually from writing for the likes of Screw, Jugs, Gallery, Score, Voluptuous – and also the New York Times, Daily News, and New York Magazine), I became part of the men’s sophisticate and NYC sex tabloid netherworld. One day one of the numerous publications I was writing for invited me to work for them full time. My duties included not only conjuring erotic stories for the publication, but also arranging for the clients’ advertising. And as the entire client base for the magazine was bodyworkers, I was not very gently (and without lube) thrust into the world of hanging out with and selling ads to a gaggle of gals willing to spend quality time with men in exchange for pictures of dead presidents on currency of the realm.
Thus…mingling with providers from all over the world for the past 121 years, I’d like to think I know a little more about the inner workings of the biz than your average consumer. And that’s why I’ve started this column.
In time, there will probably be ads to generate a few bucks…but nobody will ever have to pay for the information on this blog as that would make me a whore! And I certainly wouldn’t want anybody to know the truth about Dollar Bill.
1. Those 12 years are now just a week from being 19!
One of my oldest escort friends (which means I met her almost 19 years ago) called yesterday just to check in and see how I’m doing. But not really. After maybe two seconds of inquiring about my health and welfare, the girl wanted to know what I made of the new Backpage and how I thought she should navigate the waters. Well…I hadn’t really thought about it. But after just a few seconds of pondering the situation, here’s what I came up with. Continue Reading
On my way to the mountains so today…a repeat!
Today I decided to do a little winter cleaning and began sorting through the hundreds of analog photos from yesteryear I have stacked in a corner. The great majority were not noteworthy and deserved to be tossed, but a few caught my eye and like an old song, brought back old memories.
Some call it racism…while others cite cultural differences whenever somebody observes out loud the differences among nationalities, ethnicities and races. I guess if you reference one group’s superior characteristics (like say…black guys have big dicks and fuck long time), you’re cool. But when you point out some of the inferior stuff? Not so much. Continue Reading
For a guy who used to sell Village Voice and New York Press ads to real live pimps (actually two with Pimp of the Year trophies on their mantle), I should have known about this guy a long time ago. Yet ICEBERG SLIM is an “icon” with whom I was not familiar until about a year ago. Then I saw a documentary about the pimp-turned-author on Showtime…and recently read a just-published biography about the cool one. Continue Reading
Up until today, my mouth had been cared for by the same dentist for 35 years. Oddly enough, I first met Joe in the music business. The “songwriting dentist” (as we called him) hired me to produce one of his songs on the recommendation of my then co-writer (Rose McCoy). Joe’s tune was corny…and the artist he used to record the tune lame. But I did the best job I could and actually got him a deal at a subsidiary of Atlantic Records. Continue Reading
I have a longtime friend I’ll call John (because that’s his real name). We met about 25 years ago when the guy who ran the juke box at the original Village Idiot introduced us thusly: “Bill! This is John. He drives a cab, too!” Twenty five years later – and even though John has moved to a tank town in Pennsylvania – we still talk. Continue Reading
To the “by the buttons” theme first. Henceforth and forevermore (or until further notice), this section of the blog will be dedicated to my meandering musings – and nothing else. I know…wtf?!?! But fear not. I have installed a new button (and page) which I call “WHO’S NEW?” And there you will find exactly what the button’s title says – sans any salacious gossip. With the “Who’s New,” “Top Ten A-list” and “Roundup,” a reader should be able to stay informed. Over and out on that subject. Continue Reading
For every artist/singer whose record you’ve heard, there are 10 just as good or better who for whatever reason, never became household names. CARL HALL was one of those guys who knocked around from label to label and somehow despite being a huge talent, never had his hit record – though he did sing background on several tunes you probably know. Continue Reading
You have to be of a certain age to remember this guy…but Professor Irwin Corey was an odd old man who used to go on the Johnny Carson Show wearing canvas sneaker high tops – and spewing a bunch of jibberish/double talk to entertain the crowd. And he was actually pretty funny or obviously, Johnny wouldn’t have booked him.
Anyway…you know how I feel about the headlines, tag lines and come-ons the girls write for themselves to attract customers. Mostly, they’re ignorant dog shit. Whatever…the other day I saw one which was so profoundly stupid it almost reminded me of the old professor. Of course, she wasn’t trying to be funny. Actually, the intent was to sound intelligent (I assume). Nice try, honey! Here was the girl’s solicitation: YOUR PLEASURABLE NEEDS IS MY QUALITY OF WORK!
Excuse me Professoresse! Exactly what the fuck is that supposed to mean? And mind you…this was an American girl – not a foreigner whom you might sympathize with because English isn’t her first language. Often when I read a girl’s hype, I’m overwhelmed and even nauseated by how full of herself the advertiser truly is. But with this one? Amazed at how she can tie her shoes – or post her own ad!
I’ll tell ya one thing: If I go see that girl…I don’t think I’ll be discussing foreign affairs with her. And if I look in one ear…I’ll be expecting to see right out the other one. You get my drift!
I’m a cheap guy. Anybody who knows me will tell you that. Not disgustingly cheap, mind you. But close. If Raisin Bran Crunch…or solid white Bumble Bee tuna…or Apple and Eve apple juice go on sale? I’ll buy a backpack full of the stuff and hope that by the time it runs out there will be another sale. There’s really no need for all that parsimony. I think I got if from my grandmother, who was the cheapest person I’ve ever met. Continue Reading
Just when I thought the print medium was dead and gone when it comes to pairing escorts with those who would seek their services, the undead, in the form of Escort Magazine, are back. I know this because just yesterday, I received a phone call from the manager of an advertiser’s place asking why she’s suddenly getting calls from guys who found their number in Escort Magazine. Escort Magazine??! Talk about the long gone! Apparently, my old paper has come back to stalk us hapless earthbound creatures. Continue Reading
I have no data to support the following statement…but I doubt that anybody would refute the following: The older we get…the more concerned we become with our bowel movements. Or as Jeffrey Zuckerman’s father once told us when we were 16, “When you get to be my age, a good crap is the most satisfying thing in your life.” Well I don’t know about all that. I can think of a few things that still eclipse a good crap. And I probably don’t have to list them here. Yet still…if a good crap isn’t number 1, it’s way up the list. Continue Reading
The end of summer holiday weekend has begun and here I sit tapping away on a blog which nobody reads. How pathetic is that? Well actually, I like to take my holidays when everybody else is working. I take no thrill in hiking a trail with a traffic jam full of people “getting away from it all.” That futility is for those who work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday and have no choice but to vacation with the multitudes. Continue Reading
If I’ve heard this story once…I’ve heard some version of it a thousand times. And it always ends with a ker-plop – and a visit to Sprint, AT&T, T Mobile or some other cell phone carrier. I’ve been using cell phones ever since I got my job at Action almost 19 years ago. And I’m proud to say that not once have I lost a phone let alone dropped one in a sink or toilet. But I don’t think there is one escort who can make that claim. And what I wanna know is what the fuck is it with these girls that they’re constantly replacing water-logged phones they mindlessly submerge?
In just the past 3 days, not one…but two of my buddies fell victim to their own sloppy designs. But at least with one…she found a new way to soak her phone. No, it wasn’t the sink or toilet. It was the pool. Girlfriend is in Florida currently and while going for a swim…you know the rest. Ker-plop into the deep end.
Maybe two days later, another old friend called to say that she was sorry for not calling but she had to get a new phone and couldn’t recall my number. Knowing what a space case she is, I couldn’t restrain myself: “Let me guess. So you lost your phone…or you dropped it in the sink or toilet.” Response: “Something like that.” It turns out it was the toilet with the magnetic force that afflicts so many escorts.
And speaking of being sloppy and absent-minded…I know I wrote on this subject previously, but for the life of me, I cannot find the old post.
Anyway…the message: Girls! Secure your phone. Save yourself from the “ker-plop syndrome.” IPhones cost a lot of money. And they don’t work too well on a scuba dive.
I often receive emails from readers asking questions concerning specific girls about whom I really know nothing. While it’s true that once upon a time I was intimately involved with my advertisers, sadly, that’s no longer true. Guess how many of the girls on the sidebar I’ve had a session with. The answer I’m neither proud nor ambivalent to tell you is zero. Continue Reading
Looking back to my youth and the ten years I actually made a living as a musician, I can remember high as well as low points with respect to how well or how poorly I cut the gig. Like just for example…one of my lowest moments (caused by the fact that I didn’t know any of the top 40 songs I’d pretended I did know just to get the gig) was performed in front of Ron Wood and Keith Richards who were somehow in attendance at some retarded wedding or other. But the job that most stands out in my mind was one in which I had one of my best and worst moments at the same time! Sounds impossible but read on for the sublimely ridiculous details. Continue Reading
The history of me and intoxicants is a long but not very storied one as it turns out. Despite having been part of the hippy era (long hair and bell bottoms), I never dropped acid…never ingested mushrooms…and only took mescaline three times. With respect to intoxicants not necessarily identified with that era like heroin, cocaine, crack, free base, and pills along the lines of speed or downers, my experience is limited. Never tried heroin ever. Did a little bit of the sniffing cocaine thing at parties but didn’t really like it. No free base at all. And I tried crack once when a passenger left it in the back seat of my cab. And actually, I liked crack. But the idea that I had to go buy it from some scum bag on the corner didn’t appeal to me. And thus, that was the only time I ever did the shit (thankfully). Continue Reading
You can say and think what you want about the K-POP music craze…but one thing nobody would argue is that the stuff is too racy, right? Wrong! There’s a big station in Korea which refused to air the following 10 videos citing they were too suggestive and needed to be edited for general consumption. Well…compared to what you see on MTV and BET in the States, these videos aren’t all that salacious. But some of them are hot…and surprisingly artistic as well! Continue Reading
Energized by the beautiful day, I rode over the Manhattan Bridge to the waterfront on the other side and decided to score some dumplings at Prosperity Dumpling on the way back.
But when I got there something was going on out in front. The gate was half shut…there were two mini news crews with microphones and cameras…and an Eyewitness News van parked right next to where I shackled my ride. I had no clue or concern about what was going on…but I saw some movement inside my favorite oasis and figured they might be serving. So I checked it out. No sooner had I crossed the street than one of the two news crews approached me for an interview. Continue Reading
If there’s one thing most escorts truly excel at…it’s lying. They might not have initially been so talented at the task…but practice has made perfect over time. When you lie to your family…and your friends…and your lovers about what you do for a living literally dozens of times every day, you get real good at it! Continue Reading
Two dating sites…one allegedly of the pay for play variety…and the other somewhere in a gray zone on that front, have recently sustained wounds that may render them lifeless in the near future. The first is ASHLEY MADISON…and the second is RENT BOY. Continue Reading
We’ve all heard the feel good story about the 4 Americans (one of them French-American) who foiled a terrorist/ would-be mass murderer on a train in France. But what nobody mentioned is what a morale-crushing/boosting moment – the most significant since the death of Bin laden – it truly was. Continue Reading
Every so often a keen observer will catch a glimpse of a moment in time which defines New York. I have two I’d like to relate today. The first happened early Sunday morning – of all times.
Swingin’ nightlife type of guy that I am, 11 PM was beddy-bye time for this guy last Saturday night. I should mention that I don’t sleep on a schedule like most “normal” people. And that means I can nod off at 8 PM…awaken at 2 AM…and then stay up until at least dawn. There’s no predicting when I’ll pass out. I guess it’s one of retirement’s luxuries as for 15 years, I fought sleep deprivation in the name of supplying all the ads to all my customers in a timely fashion. Continue Reading
A few days ago, I ran a repeat titled “The Bartender’s Boyfriend” in which I compared the futility of capturing an escort’s heart to the odds of similarly hypnotizing a Coyote Ugly or Village Idiot bartender. But I left out a funny personal story which should have been part in parcel of that entry. And so…I offer part two of “The Bartender’s Boyfriend.”
Despite the fact that I had nothing going for me to speak of save a job driving a cab, there was an occasional bartender who found me provocative. One of those precious few was a girl named Laurie, a regular drink slinger at the original Village Idiot. Laurie was born and raised on Woodhaven Boulevard in Queens by her mama and stepdaddy. I mention this because one of her teeth was a little cockeyed. I’d always wondered why daddy had never sprung for orthodonture given what a pretty little girl his daughter surely was. When I heard her stepdaddy was a truck driver, I figured it out! A perfect smile simply wasn’t in the family budget – especially when daughter Laurie wasn’t actually stepdaddy’s offspring. Continue Reading
I’m currently in the middle of a book written by a stand-up comic/journeyman actor named Fred Stoller who describes his career as basically consisting of cameo appearances on 70 something sitcoms, never quite achieving his goal – that of actually starring in one. In pursuit of his dreams, Fred has been humiliated or failed miserably on more than one occasion. It’s not that I can relate to Fred as I’m not an actor…but reading his book did remind me of one disastrous experience I had long ago in his realm. Continue Reading
I’ve always said that this blog can never go viral because of the very nature of the beast. It’s at once every man’s and the “everyman’s” dirty little secret. Who ya gonna tell? Your wife? Your kids? Ok, maybe your buddies. But then you have to worry if they can be trusted with the secret.
So yesterday, I received a second email from a guy who claims that some of the stories I’ve written on this blog have so inspired him that he is now writing his own blog – and wanted me to check it out as I’m a “real” writer. Continue Reading
Back when I was the neighborhood cab driver, there were just a few places you could find me. I was either driving…sleeping…fishing…hunkered down in a lap dance joint…or hanging out in an East Village bar tryin’ to get laid. And as a regular at Downtown Beirut, The Village Idiot and later…The Coyote Ugly, I was friendly with most of the bartenders, all of whom were pretty hot (that’s why they got hired). We had a lot in common. Like…we were all in the service industry – and all had stories about horrible customers who drove us to distraction. We were colleagues of a sort. Plus, I drove a lot of them home at 5 AM! Continue Reading
At this point in my life, only a few things define me. This blog is first…and volunteer work is second. My love of hiking and the country is third. But today, I talk about the second, pursuant to a “compliment” I received just a couple of days ago.
I volunteer at two places. One is downtown in my neighborhood…and the other is smack dab in Midtown just feet from the Waldorf and the fancy office buildings that surround it. The volunteer group at the two places couldn’t be any more different. Downtown on Avenue A, 99% of the volunteers have jobs – unless they’re retired. There is a corps of regulars like me…and a group of itinerants most of whom work for Goldman Sachs or other corporations in the financial “services” industry. Continue Reading
I know. You must all think I’ve gone mad with this one. But check it out! For those foreigners reading this blog (or just incredibly uneducated Americans), Walt Whitman is one of our country’s most treasured poets. His career began in the “Fiery Fifties” (1850’s) and his reputation and fame built until the day he died in 1892 (and maybe even further). Now that I’ve given y’all the historical background, here goes with the connection. Continue Reading
I’ve mentioned before that the way to a K-girl’s heart is through her culture. And if you want to know that culture, I offer K-pop music as the best and quickest insight. Pursuant to that thought, I offer a 20 minute video of the current top 50 K-pop hits.
A little homogeneous if you ask me. Ya know…like they all sound and look remarkably the same. Still…they’re all pretty good. And the guys? That’s what the girls think is hot. Clearly, we are not! Whatever…knowing the genre couldn’t hurt. Here’s your top 50. Enjoy!
While there are a couple in there I like…I gotta go with the following as an example of the superior songwriting Nashville is famous for. In the song’s story, dad and Eric (Church) make a deal. After high school graduation, he and his boys can take a road trip to Talladega Speedway in dad’s Winnebago if they can clean it up and get it running. Which they do. And the trip becomes a sweet memory for the man in the beginning of the video lying on his deathbed with heart monitors beeping. In essence, Talladega becomes a metaphor for lost youth.
A lot of people think country western music is for retards and it’s about nothing but beer and trucks and redneckin’. And in truth, a lot of it is! But every musical genre is 95% bull shit when you think about it. And it’s the 5% you live for – if music moves you the way it does me!
Eric Church has another tune called “Wrecking Ball” about what he’s gonna do when he gets home from the road (love his baby like a wrecking ball. Ya know…the walls may fall). Church’s music is more rock and roll than country. But the sound of his voice and the lyrics make him pure outlaw country regardless. Dude is the real deal…no question about it! Here we go.
And of course…where would country western be without their down home clever little ditties. “I Could Buy Me a Boat” fits the bill perfectly. No explanation required. Just check out the video. And happy Monday if you’re stuck in the burning metropolis.
The world is full of whores. Of that there can be no doubt. For every person of high moral fiber, there are 100 who’ll commit all manner of ethical indiscretions in the name of greed and avarice. For every Ghandi, there’s a money-grubbing prostitute willing to compromise everything in pursuit of the Golden Idol. We need only look toward Wall Street to see some of the richest and nefarious flatbackers mankind has ever known.
But this is way too grand a scale for me to ponder given my station in life. I leave the real whores for somebody else to ponder. I’ll stick with escorts for the moment. The fact that I see them as more upfront and less whorish than the majority is of no consequence for I am nothing in the great stream of things. Continue Reading
It’s Dollar Bill Sunday Morning. And that means a repeat (At least today, it does.) Following is how I got into the adult advertising business. Hint: It wasn’t from being a customer!
Though it was almost 19 years ago, I can still remember as if it were yesterday my first day as an Action Magazine employee. How I got that job is a story in itself. So let me start there.
My boy Mikey was an old school Irish cabby. Born and bred in Queens, he was the type of taxi driver who worked as little as possible. In fact, Mikey was the laziest guy I’ve ever known. But he had an opinion about everything…and a blind entrepreneurial spirit which led him to publish a lefty taxi rag which screamed “Fuck the TLC” (Taxi and Limousine Commission) on virtually every page.
One day I met up with Mikey and told him some road story or other whereupon he responded that if I could type the anecdote up in three double-spaced pages, he’d give me 50 bucks and put it in his paper. And thus a writer was born…or reborn! I’d been the Sport Editor of my high school paper but really hadn’t written a thing save college papers since.
Mikey used to put g-rated shots of bikini-clad girls in his paper and call them “Miss Taxi Talk”…and actually sold the space opposite those cheesecake photos at a premium. Those pix were what all the cab drivers looked at when they picked up the paper. Seeking recognition, fame and fortune, Fizelle (what I called Mikey sometimes) distributed his paper all over the city – and even sent copies to all the Big Apple’s radio/tv stations and print media.
One day, an employee of a big phone sex operator saw the paper and noticed a lack of 900 numbers on the Miss Taxi Talks. Seeing an opportunity, that employee’s boss called Mikey and requested he come to his office in the Empire State Building to discuss a prospective partnership wherein he would supply the numbers and infrastructure and they would split the profits. At the time, phone sex was making big money.
After meeting up with the guy, Mikey declined the offer but gave me Ted’s contact info so I could double back and solicit the porn icon on the editorial front. In addition to running his phone sex empire, Ted was also publishing titles like “Sexy New York” and “Paradise” magazines and I at the time was about writing for every men’s sophisticate publication who would pay me for my wanton taxi prose.
And soo…I scored some freelance work and became friendly with one of the secretaries who forwarded me to Action magazine, a Philadelphia publication looking for a New York writer. After authoring several features for the paper…and getting to know the boss’s son, the company offered me full time employment writing, collecting and selling for the paper. And that’s how I got the job.
Now to the first day! I really had no idea what to expect as I’d never been to an incall in my life previously! Task #1 was to meet Howard (the ace salesman at the company) at 55th and 3rd Avenue. I’d be trailing along with “the man” to get my feet wet.
First stop was a body rub joint which to my recollection is in the same apartment that currently houses Olga’s (the Russian spot that’s on the sidebar). I wasn’t overly impressed. The place seemed confined and dusty and the guy who owned it was kind of a sleaze bag. He pretended to be a DJ, claiming he was just moonlighting in the body rub business. I had my doubts.
The girls themselves weren’t too bad. I actually made a date with one to hang out at The Beauty Bar on 14th Street later that night. But I didn’t go as it turned out. I was too pooped when the time came.
Anyway…from there, we hit a grimy little spot inhabited by a couple of gross latina hoochies who talked about nothing but a recent near miss with a vice cop. Gross! I was starting to get nauseated by the whole deal and began wondering if I wouldn’t be better served back behind the wheel of a taxi. These people were creeping me out!
Deeper into the belly of the beast went Howard and me at Asian Heaven, a total rip off joint staffed with some of the loudest, rudest and unappealing Asian girls ever! Blcccch! So far not so good. I was really getting ready to bolt.
But then we got to Corporate Treasures, a three floor mega house located at 33rd Street and Second Avenue. This was much different. The operation looked very professional and the staff attractive though admittedly, a little rough around the edges. I was instructed to pick a girl and follow her to the room! Now we’re talkin’.
To be truthful, I was pretty nervous what with being overwhelmed by the seething netherworld into which I’d been thrust! The girl I chose was actually a caucasian blonde weight lifter (go figure). The session went well enough. I’d been baptized. I was now officially an Action man!
On to the last stop…the legendary Tiffany’s. Howard definitely saved the best for last. Her place was completely different from all the others. First, she was in the Carnegie Mews, a fancy high-rise in Midtown. The apartment itself was spotless. Soft jazz played on the radio and the expensive shag carpeting caressed my feet as we entered.
Hot Brazilian girls were milling about in between customers mostly competing for who’d had the most orgasms that day. And Tiffany was a complete nut – in a good way. Determined to blow the new guy’s mind, she flashed her tits at me and then told a story about bringing a guy to ecstasy by relating a fantasy about her…a dog…and a horse! This was Stanley Kubrick all the way.
Being the most generous and money-making madam in the magazine, Tiffany threw me a 20 as a tip for which I did absolutely nothing. It was just her way of welcoming me to the fray!
Having done the day’s visits with Howard, I headed home to write a 3000 word story about my experience with the weight lifter. Appropriately, I called the piece “The Power Jerk.” Infer what you will!
That was my first day on the job…and it’s been all downhill from there. I continued driving a cab every other Sunday just to stay in my old world but sooner than later, I let the hack license expire and dove in headlong. Taxi-driving was my past. Adult advertising was my present and future.
I don’t know why I relate this today. I sat for literally 30 minutes in front of my computer trying to figure out something to write about. And this is what I came up with!