A couple of weeks ago I complained to an escort friend that it’s been a while since one of her colleagues developed feelings for me…and that it was getting really annoying! Ok! I’m 67 years old and don’t look a day over 66 but still…I ain’t dead yet. Seems like somebody ought to develop a hankering for ol’ Dollar Bill before I turn to dust. Well…I’m happy to report that the tide has turned. But it’s not with the escort crew…it’s a volunteer or two. Who’d-a-thunk?
So yesterday, I’m doing my usual Saturday thing down at the meat loaf giveaway. I walk in…say hi to most of the regulars (volunteers and guests) and head over to the pantry area which has a remarkable amount of food to be distributed…so much so that it will clearly be a nightmare for whoever gets the job running that scrum.
Wouldn’t you know it…five minutes later, the Officer of the Day comes over to break the news: “Joe wants you to run the pantry line today.” Translated, that means “it’s gonna be a rat fuck in that area and you’re the guy who can control it.” I’m flattered but ambivalent. Still, I’ve developed the formula for success: Don’t expect to convince the little Chinese ladies that lining up in an orderly fashion is an ethos to which they should subscribe. Rather, the goal is to keep a lid on the anger of our other ethnic guests when the Asian girls cut the line. What I’ll generally do is attempt to calm down the injured party and give him or her something extra for their patience – and of course agree that they have a right to be angry.
In my charge are six capable volunteers – three of which are young and easy-on-the-eyes women in their 20’s. While I drew the short straw getting the pantry gig…I got lucky with the staff. We gave out an amazing amount of food and experienced no riots while doing so. Now back to the cute girls.
One was with her boyfriend…a good-looking vanilla type guy who I like well enough (I’ve known him for a few years). If I were a girl, I might consider him for a second based on his looks, but would eventually pass owing to his conservatism. If he were a loaf of bread, it would say “Wonder” on the packaging.
Next to him was a very pretty Asian volunteer spending her first day at the soup kitchen. Her only animated moment came when the girl chided me on not recycling the voluminous styrofoam waste we generate. I directed her to a superior to register her discontent. (Honey! What’s with the sweet face and the equally sour disposition? Lighten up!)
And finally, to attractive female #3…a brown-skinned island girl I’d seen and admired previously for being way too young and cute for an aging cracker I know. Still, she’d looked at me as if to say “you’re not bad for an old guy. Subtract a hundred years and I just might go for you!”
Legend in my own mind notwithstanding, I dismissed the feeling as utter delusion until toward the end of our shift when the girl asked me “I think I’ve seen you before. Have you been in the movies or something?” This I took as a compliment – and decided to leave well enough alone as it was probably at the post office she saw my picture.
Anyway, after cleaning the men’s room (which trust me, makes me a hero with the bosses), I ran into my admirer – and her friend (also a young island girl of color) – both of whom assured me that if I was going to the bar, they would too. Sign me up, girls! I’ll be there with bells.
Sure enough…when I arrived, there were my new buddies whom I joined for a couple of rounds as the regular volunteers/drinkers cast a suspicious eye on the old white guy hanging out with the two young black girls. I kind of wanted to adjourn and tell the onlookers “Check it out! There is a reason for this. Daddy split and mom went to work leaving me in the care of mostly dark-skinned housekeepers who showed me love when I was young. I come by my attraction to black women organically. Get over it!”
Ok! So there was no scoring – or even an exchange of numbers. But there was an aha moment in all of this. One of the girls went outside to talk on the phone. And when she returned, girl #2 (the friend of the woman who thought I’d been in movies) revealed she’d just been on the phone with her boyfriend and told him “Honey! You won’t believe it. Shad and I are drinking with a guy who is you in 20 years!”
Some guys could be offended…but I wasn’t. First, probably more like 40 years! Second, if I remind her of her boyfriend, that means I appeal to her. So what’s not to like? It ain’t like I think I look 25!
Whatever…the girls left for a little baby-sitting job (funny…that’s what I felt like I was doing with them) and along came a white bisexual Aussie female volunteer to invite me to join her and two guys I know in a game of pool.
To the point! If it seems like things aren’t going your way and everything is aligned against you, just have a little patience and persevere. Things and luck will change if you stay the course. Can’t wait for next Saturday. Those girls aren’t done flirting with me. One is training to be the cook. I know like Arnold…they’ll be back.