The length to which the federal government will go to investigate a person of interest knows no bounds if I’m any indication. Ya think I’m crazy? Check it out.
Rewind five years to when I used to link this blog to my Facebook account. Some SEO guy recommended I do just that as it would be beneficial to my Google ranking. Being first on page 1 meant nothing for this blog in actuality because when it happened, nobody noticed. But that’s besides the point. I’m sure it works wonderfully for some sites.
Anyway…one day, I received several friend requests on my Facebook page. Surprised and gratified at my newfound popularity, I eagerly checked off all the confirmation boxes accepting my new homies until somewhere around #15 I noticed the request had come from a 14 year-old girl!
A cold chill ran down my spine and a bead of sweat formed on my brow. Backwards I went to see who I’d just “friended” to discover that most of the checked boxes belonged to underaged girls! Quickly I “unfriended” everybody I’d just accepted and shut down the account. Call me crazy but I didn’t think all those requests from a certain demographic was a coincidence.
Fast forward two and a fraction years. I’m smack dab in the middle of the federal process – which is speeding along at the rate of molasses flowing uphill. One day, I receive an email from my lawyer (or one of them) saying “you’ll be happy to hear that the investigation into your pedophilism is over. You’re not a pedophile.” It was an “aha” moment. My intuition about that Facebook caper was spot on.
Just two weeks ago, one of my old customers who I’ve known for literally 20 years called to say hi. At age 50-something, she still sounds like a little girl on the phone. You’d never know she was menopausal. Poonjab is the kind of person who will call anybody she considers a good friend 20 times a day. And I was on that short list. I have little doubt that my phones were bugged at some point in the past few years and wouldn’t be surprised if they are right now (which is why I change numbers frequently).
It turns out that Poon had received no fewer than three visits from authorities asking if she’d been sexually abused by anybody…and that they were after a guy whose MO matched that of a man who abused underaged girls. She got the idea that that guy was guess who!
In an off-the-record conversation I had with a way-up-the-food-chain NYPD vice cop, I asked him “what about my selling escort ads would lead the authorities to believe that I’m a pedophile?” Mike’s (fake name) answer? “Yeah, I thought that was bullshit myself.” Yay! At least someone knew that investigation was a waste of time!
Whatever…ya see what I’m saying. When you’re in the fed’s crosshairs, nothing is out of bounds. A fucking child molester! As if!!