Oy! Fucking bugs! And I’m not talking about software or the kind that harass you on a hike. I’m talkin’ the incredibly adaptive critters that hide in your stove and cabinets. Yes, it’s great to have the lowest rent in the building. But along with that comes an apartment that hasn’t been renovated for like…ever! And you know what that means! Roaches inhabit every nook and cranny.
I’ve used the Home Depot Ortho spray. And Combat traps. And Combat gel. And the powder. And the bomb. And even some doo-hickey you plug into a wall socket. All for naught, I’m afraid. The Battle of the Bugs is on, baby! And I’m losing it!
As if the roaches aren’t bad enough…I was reading a book by my new favorite author CELIA RIVENBARK recently when in the middle of a hearty laugh, I spied something ominous-looking on the wall across the way. With my reading glasses on, it was a blur…but I had my suspicions it was a bug – and a big one!
Up I rose from my seat to inspect and sure enough, a 3″ millipede was hanging out in my crib. First, I thought about asking him to share the rent. But then I thought better of that. I’d rather he be dead! I squished the bad boy and flushed his carcass down the commode! Gross!
So why would a big ol’ millipede decide to invade my space? East Village/rent-stabilization pad notwithstanding, I live in the Ivy League. But this ain’t no Harvard or Yale. It’s a 5 story brick building with a rear and side covered in (you guessed it) ivy! The shit actually crawls up the facade and onto my window screens. And with ivy comes bugs. That big ass critter I squashed isn’t the first multi-legged casualty I’ve administered. Summer comes…and so does a new wave of even more formidable bugs!
I’m not an especially squeamish guy but I have to admit that I don’t like living with bugs. Especially when I wake up with one crawling on me (yccch)! And so I continue the battle. Rivulets of spray? Puffs of powder? Oozing gunk? I’ll give them a few more weeks and if I don’t succeed, it’ll be AK-47’s, grenades (not the ugly female kind but those that explode) and Howitzers if need be. I’ll win this war yet! It ain’t over! I will prevail!