It should come as no surprise that I really don’t give a crap about social media. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr? I’d trade ’em all in for one good hand job. Ok! I know what you’re thinking. Asshole! You have a blog. That is social media. To me, this blog isn’t social media. It was a way to get rid of the fucking mob (or the faux mob – I never was really sure).
The year was 2001. Some hustler who was grinding out “meet and greet” rags for the local bent-nose distributor convinced me to start a paper. I could write it and sell the ads. And he would do the layout and hook us in with “the mob.”
It was a terrible fucking deal. Not only did the printer have us paying top dollar for the print job, but he took 1/3 of the profits as well in exchange for guaranteeing that our paper would be distributed wherever Screw was. Schmuck that I was (and am for that matter), I thought this was a great deal!
Small problem, though. Traveling through the boros to pick up ad money, I’d stop at bookstores and magazine shops to check up on the distribution. Predictably, my paper wasn’t always where it was supposed to be. So I complained and came to realize quickly that the Queens/Long Island truck driver was actually a NY Times union employee moonlighting out of his boss’s vehicle while dropping off the Times! (Do you believe this shit?) And he was selling for cash and taking no returns! All of which means that not every shopkeeper wanted to take a chance on a new paper.
I wasn’t impressed and told my pimps so. Pursuant to the breach of contract on their part, I withheld their profit share (though not the print bill)! In the meantime, my other “partner”/layout guy was a moron. He was misspelling everything and fucking up the pagination. As the guy who was picking up all the ad money, I had the trump card. So I paid off and fired the moron layout guy. And I told the pimps I’d be starting a new paper with which they could recoup their rip-off money out of the distribution of the new publication. If they wanted to stonewall me and neither print nor distribute the paper, they could take a long walk off a short pier for their money. They weren’t happy getting fucked back by their whore. But they caved.
So I started publishing the new paper. I’d print 3000. And they’d print 1000 more and sell them out the back door, claiming that they were doing this to help my advertisers. As if. It’s kind of like an old time vinyl pressing plant manufacturing extra copies of a record company’s product and after getting caught, telling them they were just trying to support the act’s live tour. I laughed it off…until they wanted a piece of the ad money, too!
In the contact tabloid game, the ad revenue far exceeded the distribution money. And when they saw all the ads I was selling, they wanted in. In the meantime, a friend had informed me that as spastic as I was with all things technological, I could still probably run my own blog.
The first Tuesday in November in 2008 was an abnormally easy day on the ad ho trail. It was Election Day. America would vote Obama in…and I started this blog. Getting the beast rolling was nothing. I simply posted links on all the Backpage ads I was already getting paid to publish. Nobody objected. And when in the first week, Craigslist shut down the adult section for a few days, everybody was in. I’d effectively dumped my pimp and a $4500 print and layout bill! Thus, it wasn’t really about my social media savvy that this blog came about. It was me getting rid of my pimp.
Eventually, the pimps came back and we negotiated a new deal which was so advantageous that I went for it. But the truth was evident. Print was on its way out and the Internet was the thing. I burned the candle at both ends handling the blog and paper for a while until the Screw crew folded and it was over.
And now to why I started this post – and the picture on top – in the first place. It was that stupid fucking photo of SERENA WILLIAMS with her baby that led me to comment on the absurdity of social media. Not to say Serena or her baby are absurd. It’s those retarded social media flowers! I see them everywhere – along with dog ears and elongated canine tongues – all superimposed over a picture. On what planet is that bull shit attractive? News flash: It’s not. It looks fucking stupid!
To me…it all falls under the category of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat and God knows what else. It’s all horseshit. By me, you’re all wastin’ time and not makin’ a dime (except for Instagram models. That’s the exception). Yes, I took to social media. But it was to lose a fat bill and the mobsters who would pimp me. I had a legitimate excuse. Not about vanity. Just about bidness. You get the picture.