Morons like me who flip through Yahoo news every morning will always end up clicking on a pop culture fluff piece the likes of which will lower my IQ precipitously. With that thought in mind, you can imagine how I reacted to the lure of the headline “CARDI B Engaged.” It was just too seductive for me to pass by! Now I know I promised never to mention Ms. B’s name again. But the story is so illustrative of a theme I’ve commented on ad nauseum that I couldn’t resist.
The man of Cardi’s dreams is a dude named OFFSET (I’m guessing a show biz name), a member of a famous rap aggregation called MIGOS. True journalist that I am not, I did my duly diligent research and found one of the group’s hits. I’m sorry. Rapid fire triplets (which aren’t that rapid fire when the beat is so slow) impress me about as much as C-A minor-F-G doo wop. Which is to say…no sale on Migos.
Then I researched Offset himself. I don’t know what’s more impressive. His raps or his rap sheet! Dude is a convicted burglar and thief who was additionally charged with inciting a prison riot (sounds like a trumped up deal) when he took a swing at a fellow inmate while behind bars. Cool! I wonder if Cardi is thinking “I can’t wait to bring him home to mama! She’ll be so impressed!”
I seem to remember our favorite rapper having an abusive relationship before. Does she think that marrying a violent convicted felon will bring a different outcome? Oh well! If experience is the best teacher, it’s all lost on Cardi B. Unfortunately, her story is hardly unique. I’ve seen a similar one play out a hundred times. But that doesn’t mean I’m any less amazed at escorts’ horrible taste in boyfriends. You can call me damaged all you want and I don’t give a crap. But at least I know not to look for love in a you-know-what. That stupid I am not!
Moving on…to today’s piece on CBS SUNDAY MORNING about the incredibly appealing and talented MILEY CYRUS. I kid of course. Back in the ’90’s I couldn’t believe what a whore her daddy BILLY “ACHY BREAKY” CYRUS was. Apparently, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. Maybe that geezer show wants to make their aging audience feel young again. But ya know what? I’d rather see one of those tight-asses interview Cardi than Miley. Cardi is hot. Miley is not! Just my opinion. If there are two girls sitting on the couch and they’re guess who? I choose Cardi 101% of the time.
So I went to a Halloween party last night, mostly populated by the usual. A girl I hadn’t seen for a while who’d read that wonderful Daily News article about me was unabashed in her approach: “I knew I should have dated you when I had the chance.” (I’m not sure what that meant. We convened in the room on several occasions.) “But maybe I’m gonna work my way back.” I might be a legend in my own mind…but her agenda was clear.
Another woman within earshot – and who I’ve known for 20 years – sat laughing at the overture. And she just had to chime in “The day some girl gets hold of Billy’s money will be the same day I wake up to be 21 again.” Truer words were never spoken – I hope, anyway!
Funny family story: It wasn’t until I grew up that my grandmama confessed she’d been married once before she met my grandfather. Her terse but pithy synopsis of the two marriages was of supreme significance. “My first husband had no money. But whenever he got his hands on some he spent it all on me. Your grandfather was rich when I met him. But he never spent a dime of it!”
So which is better, I ask. I would say I’d take the big spender except guess what happened. When my grandpa died, grandma found out he had a lot of dough – which she inherited and surprise, surprise…never spent. It was eventually left to my mother (at least half was) who blew it on the high life and then fell back on her sons to keep her in the style to which she’d grown so accustomed.
I’m not sure what the message is here except…it’s going to take an exceptional woman to divert my funds from the United Way and St. Jude’s to her scheming ass. When all this probation and waiting is over, I plan on spending a few bucks traveling. But as I look into my crystal ball, I see the lion’s share going to a good cause. And a good cause is definitely not an escort with a big chest and a bigger appetite to spend money like a drunken sailor. That kind of woman I can rent by the hour. Which is a good thing on balance.