I know it’s retarded that I would waste more then 30 seconds on the pursuit I’m about to describe. But given the memory of a girlfriend past, the very activity makes me want to call and hip her to an addiction with which she could only turn out a winner.
I have a membership card to both CVS and Kmart. It’s the kind of deal where they sign you up, track all your spending proclivities, sell it to whomever, and (drum roll) send you special deals and such. And being the parsimonious fuck I am, you know I’m all in like it was a sopping wet entrance on a super curvy member of the fairer sex.
In addition to said deals previously mentioned, Kmart has a “Shopyourway” program which in essence allows the member to play several games of chance daily. Mostly, you lose of course because they ain’t about giving away the store. But the system is rigged so that you win just enough to keep you coming back to see the subliminal messages sent before and after the games – and answer the occasional survey questions so they can build your profile. (I always answer them incorrectly – like I live in a house and need a leaf blower – just to throw them off.)
Mostly, the points you win are worth nickels and dimes (and occasional dollars). And you have to use them within two weeks – which is how they get you into the store. But it all works out. In the past three weeks, I’ve scored a decent pair of winter mittens, a tire tube (for long rides in case I get a flat), two lamp shades, and a lamp for like 6 bucks (or something like that. Not really sure). In fact, playing the games has been part of my morning ritual during which I go to Mickey D’s for coffee and then game while I’m sipping the brew.
And now to the point (finally). The old girlfriend I mentioned back in the first paragraph had a profoundly addictive personality. Cigarettes? Pills? Blow? Me? Check on all of them. But she had one more: scratch-offs! And the last might have been the worst! If this girl had a thousand bucks in her pocket from some wacko who saw fit to spend it on her, she’d be off to the bodega and within an hour or two, it would all be gone on scratch-offs. The fact that scratch-offs are about the worst bet any gambler could make was totally lost on her. She’d just blow the cash in an addictive haze.
So to Sadie (fake name) I offer this advice. Go get yourself a Kmart membership card and exorcize all those demons on Shopyourway. Yes, the entire game is a waste of precious time. But you can only win! I know. A novel experience for the lady. I wonder if she could handle it. Probably not.