Yesterday, I was combing through the archives to figure out exactly when I had my fateful back-breaking bike accident. There was a reason (not worth mentioning) I wanted to know. Anyway, right next to the post which revealed the date was this – which I decided to repeat today for no particular reason.
I was always a big Andy Rooney fan. He was the reason I watched “60 Minutes.” It didn’t matter that sometimes, the stories which proceeded his two minutes bored me to death. Just so I got my quick Andy fix, I’d stick around through thick and thin.
And come to think about it…where the fuck did the expression “through thick and thin” come from? Did it originally mean that a guy stuck with his significant other while he cheated with skinny and fat girls alike? Seems like a logical explanation.
Now to today’s topic: the derivation and evolution of the term “facial.” Without looking it up, I’m pretty sure the term’s origin has to do with applying creams and such to one’s face to keep it looking young, vibrant an lustrous. It’s a perfect ruse for the cosmetics industry. Manufacture a cream designed to “relieve your chapped face” and you could charge maybe a buck a bottle. But market a substance which gives you a soothing “facial?” That stuff costs like ten times as much!
We got what facials were and understood the hustle behind calling it just that for a while. But then Marv Albert came along and introduced basketball fans to a new meaning: cumming on one of his tranny hooker’s faces! Just kidding. From the sound of it, he came on female hooker’s faces as well. OK! Kidding again!
Post Marv, we now have a second meaning for “facial.” A facial occurs when a basketball player dominates his opponent and then triumphantly stuffs the ball in the basket effectively emasculating not just the guy guarding him…but his whole team, organization and fan base. What a coup for the word “facial!” When did it get so powerful? One day it simply moisturizes a woman’s face. And the next? It can de-ball a 6′ 9″ paragon of studliness. Now that’s goin’ some!
Finally, the word “facial” reached its pinnacle when the ubiquitous porn medium once again reinvented the wheel when somebody decided it would be cool to film a guy ejaculating all over his partner’s face. In the old days of porn, nobody ever heard of that kind of facial. Guys came in a girl’s vagina or in her mouth. Ya know…like normal people do. But that wasn’t visual enough for the porn-producing/watching world. Cumshots were born and then as a matter of evolution…the facial!
Blccch! If I were a chick, I’m sure I’d be a big slut. I’d have a different guy for every day of the week and two for Sunday. Unless there was a good ball game on! Then I might just stick with one. But I would draw the line at facials. As in “Dude! You can pound me all night long! But if you try and cum on my face, I’ll cut your balls off!”
And I know I’ve covered this before…but what does it say about a girl who likes guys to cum on her face? And similarly, what does it say about a guy who likes to cum on a girl’s face? Recently asked how she keeps her face so youthful, HEATHER LOCKLEAR cited semen (not applied out of a bottle) as her secret. And who’s on Heather’s list of old boyfriends? Misogynist rock stars, that’s who! Clearly (at least to me), Heather likes dominant rogue males. And isn’t letting a guy cum on your face the ultimate submission statement? Mind you…I like Heather Locklear. If she wants to retain her youthful appearance by having semen applied to her face via cannon shots, who am I to judge?
On the other side of the coin is the guy who likes to shoot on a girl’s face. Probably not the same guy who buys you flowers and chocolate on Valentine’s Day. More likely, he’s the guy who fucks your friend on Valentine’s Day. You get the idea.
As for me…I had one kinky girlfriend who requested I cum on her face. I pretended to be deaf for a while but eventually, had to give her what she wanted. So I assumed the dominant position (perched above her head as she lay flat on her back anxiously awaiting her treatment) and proceeded to shoot directly into her left ear! With whom the fault lay was irrelevant. The girl never made that request again. I guess a shot in the ear is as uncomfortable as a shot in the eye. Or maybe she just figured out that I wasn’t a cum-on-your-face kind of guy!
Regardless….facials! I can’t wait to discover what the word will mean in its next incarnation given the colorful turn it’s taken since its inception. And there’s my Andy Rooney style essay for today.