Playing the SHOPYOURWAY online game as a Kmart member brings momentous decisions into my incredibly boring life. The problem is that the points you win (which translate to dollar chit at the store) only last 14 days. It’s all part of a conspiracy to get you down to the store and constantly shopping.
And thus, I’m always seeing “use it or lose it” type messages when I log on, forcing me to shop and moreover – decide what I want that I don’t really need. It’s kind of like Christmas everyday!
Two days ago, I had $5.29 expiring – and an $8 coupon if I spent $20 in “home.” Plus I had over $20 in points accumulated from gaming. Translated, any purchase up to $28 wasn’t going to cost me a dime out of pocket.
I’m no fool. In a situation like this, I peruse the site for useful stuff which adds up to as close to (but above) $20 and then order. I knew I wanted a big spatula to flip my homemade western omelettes now that I get lots of eggs at the church and have increased my omelette size. And bingo! On sale for four bucks. What next?
Well, I’d just washed a bunch of hoodies and they were looking a tad wrinkled after drying and I thought “Let me check out irons!” And there she was…a Proctor Silex (made in China of course) for ten bucks. Now if I spent another six dollars, I’d get an $8 discount. To the towel section (you can’t have too many towels) where I found a 30″ x 65″ Cannon bath towel on sale for $6.50. Sweeeet!
And here’s another beautiful thing about using my free cash and shopyourway points. You don’t have to pay any tax if there’s no money exchanged between you and the store. The points come tax free!
Ok! Enough of my parsimony. To the title! So how did I lose my virginity in all this? Believe it or not, until yesterday, I had never in my life owned an iron! Maybe I’d used one once or twice (can’t really remember) but had never actually owned one.
Having made the purchase, I opened the box, read the instructions, filled the plastic and amazingly cheaply-made piece of crap with water and voila! The sucker worked! I placed the new towel on my bed and proceeded to steam iron something with wrinkles. And guess what! No more wrinkles. Fucking magic! A totally satisfactory virginal experience indeed.
Speaking of virginal experiences…many years ago I had a female friend who confessed to me that she lost her sexual virginity in Florida on spring break when she was 16. The actual act lasted all of three strokes and she contracted the clap in the process. Right there is what I’d call an unsatisfactory virginal experience. In my context, I could have rivaled her downside only by burning myself – and not getting the wrinkles out of anything.
Alas, the gods shone from above and everything went copacetically. I am now Dapper Bill (what with my pressed hoodies) and no doubt, all humans of the fair sex will swoon at my feet whenever they see me. We’ll have to see about that. I’ll report back at a later date.