Ah yes! The buildup is unmistakeable. Almost like the week before Superbowl Sunday. The midterm elections are just two days away! I wonder if a guy can bet on the outcome. For someone who’s hemorrhaging money to lawyers and the bond market, I could use a sure thing. Where would I put my money were I a betting man? Answer: I’d place it on the stupidity of the electorate. Never underestimate the incredible presumption and ignorance of the American voter and you’re sure to come out a winner.
Ask yourself this: Can you name the three branches of American government? If you actually can, you’re a member of a significant minority (only 25% of Americans can answer that question correctly). Ten percent of Americans think Judge Judy is a Supreme Court Justice! I could go on with more statistics that actually are fact. But why bother? You get the idea.
It turns out that the voter registration information I’ve been receiving in the mail is not an error and/or oversight by the government. Convicted felon notwithstanding, I still apparently have the right to vote. But will I bother? If the federal judge who decided to put me in storage for a year were up for re-election, I’d be inclined to cast my ballot for his opponent. But here’s a civics lesson which I have no doubt would educate your average American voter: Federal judges aren’t elected. They’re appointed. Thus this or any year, my judge won’t appear on a ballot.
To be more serious, what issues have I to consider – and which party would I favor given my personal circumstances? First, the economy matters not to me. I don’t give a fuck about the job market because at age 69 and an ex-con when I emerge from the warehouse, nobody’s gonna hire me for anything that pays above the minimum wage. And unless the country’s economic system goes bust and everybody loses all their life savings, I have enough money to live my austere lifestyle until the day I die. So where the economy’s concerned, I just need the party that won’t turn everybody into a pauper. And really, that would be an even bet. Not likely to happen with either party, though I’m sure my maternal grandfather, who lost all his money in 1929, might beg to differ from the grave.
Then there’s the issue of the two parties’ particular view of incarcerating people who never hurt anybody. The sad fact is that America imprisons a much larger percentage of its population than any other country in the world. And that’s not likely to change in the next year. So there’s that! It doesn’t matter who I’d vote for. No member of either party is likely to set me free.
In truth, I would like to see the democrats control the bicameral branch of our government so Trump can be impeached and then convicted for tax fraud, a crime for which I have little doubt he’s as guilty as I. But the way my luck is going, I’ll get him for a celly! So I can’t root for that!
The bottom line is that I’m completely disillusioned with America. And I think I have a right. What’s the right thing to do when a government discovers that one of its citizens is a tax cheat? Take twice what he owes? That sounds fair. Sit him down in front of numerous individuals from US attorneys, to Homeland Security personnel, to IRS agents, to State Department employees, to NYPD vice cops all so he can teach them how the escort business works as he has no choice but to pay well into 5 figures in lawyers’ fees for the “privilege?” Not so sure. Keep his life in limbo for over 5 years while he marinates wondering whether he’s going to prison? That’s a considerable sentence in and of itself! And then after all that time, actually sentence him to a year and a day? OMG! Granted, I deserved the back taxes, penalties and interest payments. But the rest? That’s a hard sell.
So excuse me if I’m one of the 50% of Americans who doesn’t bother to vote on Tuesday. As one pundit put it, not voting delivers a vote all its own: That you’re indifferent or disenfranchised. File me under the latter. Place me with Crackhead “I Don’t Give a Fuck” Charlie, my friend from the Tombs. Because now, like Charlie, I don’t give a fuck! The federal government would tell you that I’m to blame for my current situation. But that’s not true. We share equally. All in all, I got some pretty shabby treatment form the USA and I can’t help but feel the way I do. I invoke the old song…”God Bless America” and observe…hopefully he will…because currently, I’m not of the same mind.