So beautiful was the weather yesterday that I opted out of volunteering even though the bosses promised I would reap a veritable bounty from the pantry if I showed up. Instead I hopped the train to one of my favorite hiking trails.
Those of you who’ve ridden on Metro North are well aware that unless the train is empty, you will be seated just two feet behind the people in front of you. If they are under five feet tall you might not see them. But they are there nonetheless. Generally, we all deal with this reality in the interest of getting somewhere at a reasonable price. But yesterday when Shmoopie face and Love Doll Boy sat in front of me, I kind of wished I’d dropped a few hundred bucks on a limo.
Love Doll Boy was easily six feet and three inches if he was a millimeter. Shmoopie Face was considerably shorter but certainly not in the under five feet category. And when I tell you that this couple (who were old enough to live together and weren’t adolescents looking for a place to make out away from their parents watchful eye) smooched, pecked, cooed and gurgled for the entire hour and a half, I do not exaggerate. By the time I arrived at Cold Spring, I actually had a stiff neck from trying to look one way or the other. Anything but forward two feet in front of me. And what I wanna know is what the fuck is it with people who insist on being so demonstrative in public when they know some geezer is two feet behind them trying not to look their way?
At least back when I was a cabby, I had some control over smoochers. When I heard the sound of people sucking face coming from the back seat, I would immediately head for the nearest pothole. With a little luck, I figured I might be able to draw blood from one participant or the other when the jolt caused one person’s teeth to jab into the other’s lip.
Ok! I get that lovers can be spontaneous at times in public and sneak a smooch here or there. But for an hour and a half while some stranger is but two feet away? They must really be in love. Nauseatingly so in my estimation. Jesus! Get a fucking room, dude. Or at least show me a blow job. WTF!